Transformation

A soldier’s Journal

Day 1 

I just got the letter, I have been called in. I don’t know what to feel, or how to feel about this. I see my family and friends; they are all full of joy. They are proud. What is there proud to be? Should I be proud? Should I be proud that I am going to die? Should I be proud I am in line to kill others who I don’t even know of?

I don’t know what to make of this. I’m confused. I’m trapped, in something I cannot escape.

Day 9

I am leaving in a week. I have been having nightmares of what that place will be like. Not war exactly, but heaven. I am no fighter. I am a good student I love school. I wanted to go to college and be a doctor. I guess all I am going to be now is dead. I am not going to die. The thought of it makes me want to cry. The past two nights I have woken up screaming and had my mom lay next to me in order to go back to sleep again. I’m 17, I thought I had my whole life ahead of me.

I want to escape, someone help me. I feel like screaming, but no one listens.

Day 15

Today is my last day at home I am leaving tomorrow. My mother has made a huge party with all our neighbors, family, friends, and people I have never seen before. This party is supposed to be for me, but I have nothing to party for. Nothing to celebrate. I am sitting aside being called by everyone they want to congratulate me. They look up to me in a way they never did before. I’ve always wanted to be recognized, but not like this. I’ve always wanted to have a party, but not for the motive of my probable death or for killing someone who I don’t know.

3 am-

I am unable to sleep; I woke up a couple of minutes back screaming again. I had a dream in which I die. I am in the front line in my third month and I am shot by one of my partners by accident. What a stupid way to die. I cried, I don’t want to go. What is all this honor they talk about? Is that what I am supposed to be feeling? Because I don’t feel anything close to honor. A couple of kids called me hero today. I laughed, how could you call someone who kills, a hero? A hero is what I want to be, or at least what I wanted to be. I know I will not survive this, I am no man killer and I am incapable of taking someone’s life away from them.

Day 23

I am here. I don’t want to be here. I have seen people carrying weapons, carrying bombs, and guns like its something normal. I have seen people pointing guns at others as a form of joke. I don’t want to die. I have seen cruelty in these men’s eyes. I have seen emptiness in their souls. They have become robots. They have become cold. They have become machines. They have become inhuman. They are not human anymore, human beings have hearts. Their hearts have been taken out of them, they are inhuman. They are cold. They have become machines.

Day 29

It has been more than a week. It feels like eternity. I was given guns too and now I am being sent to the front line. Tomorrow first thing in the morning. Tonight we are supposed to move closer towards where we think shall be safe. I have made a friend. He is great company. He also wants to be a doctor. We are planning to go and study in the same school after this is all over. We both hate this. We both want to leave. We both feel this is hell on earth.

Day 34

There was a bomb thrown into our base. I saw two people die. Right in front of me, me and my friend are fine. Two people are dead. They died in front of my eyes. I feel responsible. If only I saw this coming. But I couldn’t. I mean, how? I should have been in their place. I cant believe this. This is unfair. Two people are dead. Somehow I feel like I also went with them, like a part of me is being ripped off of me. I don’t want to become a killing machine. I cried. I saw them die and I cried. I am still human.

Day 46

There is not time to write. These days its been very busy. I have been close to dying 3 times. My friend is hurt. His leg was broken in one of the bombings. I don’t want him to die. I should have been there for him. I should have stopped him from going into that zone. I hurt him. It is my fault. I should be killed for it. I have not seen him in a couple of days. I will go and see him tonight, I hope he is alright.

Day 59

My friend died. He died of internal bleeding. I killed a man. Today I became a machine. I felt nothing. I did not cry, I did not feel. I became a machine. Today I became a machine. Today I lost my heart. Today I forgot what being human was. Today I lost my honor, my dignity and my strength. I killed a man. I am a machine.

Day 81

I forgot of what I wanted for myself in the future. All I want is to survive. I want to live. I want nothing for myself anymore. I only want to survive. I killed a lot of people in a shooting today. I felt nothing. No rush, no tears. I am strong. I think I am strong. I know I am. I wonder what will happen. Will I die? All I know is that I am not who I was before. I have changed. I have become a machine. I have killed. I don’t feel. I have changed. I am mad. I am a machine. I am a soldier. 

In memory of a friend.